Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Confessions from a pillow holder

Okay...I don't know why I feel the need to confess but confess I must...I sleep with a....a.....



pillow. There I said it!

It's not just any pillow though. This pillow is one that I have to sleep with. It's like sleeping with my teddy bear.

In case you haven't fallen off of your chair from laughing, let me explain.

A few years ago, I ended up very sick and in the hospital. I had no idea that I was as sick as I was. I ran a temp of 104 off and on for three days straight. I had acute polynephritis that had gone into sepsis...meaning given another day of my refusing to go to the hospital, I would've died from blood poisoning.

When I got into my hospital room, I was quite out of it but one thing I remember is being extremely cold. In fact, I was so cold, I was shaking and teeth chattering and yet, it was summer time and 117 degrees outside. The staff refused to give me blankets. They said that it would only cause my body temperature to stay elevated. That was the first time I cried because I was SO cold. My baby girl (Teen Boo) couldn't stand to see me crying and snuck some covers over my legs to which the staff responded by stripping the bed completely except for a pillow.

During the first few nights, I was delirious. I passed out and came to with the IV pole on top of me. The nurses came and righted me and the pole. Then, for some reason, I saw the light. I'm not kidding you. I saw this bright piercing light that was pulling me towards it. It was a glow I've never seen before but yet, I kept saying, "I can't go anywhere. My girls need me still."

I hugged my pillow to keep warm. It was the only thing that I could hold on to for comfort and warmth. While my teeth chattered, I was sweating.

Day 4, my temp had gone down to 102 and my doctor said that if it went down to 101, I could go home. The next day, it was 101. I went home but not without my pillow. I had learned to hold on to that pillow with an undying, security. That pillow has taken me through tears of disbelief when my ex cheated and admitted it. It has taken me through stifled giggles as I've talked all night on the phone to my Boo. It's taken the insecurity that surrounds me at night and brings me to a point of security once again.

I admit that it's become like a teddy bear and I can't sleep without it. My Boo teases me because I have to have it but you know what???? I'm not ashamed! It is a reminder from where I've come and also where I'm heading.


Tismee2 said...

I'm not laughing - well maybe smiling! I posted a couple of weeks back about 'Wuggies' - and the fact that I always sleep with a handkerchief. I like you feel restless without it.

I think there may be more folk like us than we think - they just need to 'come out' and join us!

Julie said...

I have TWO pillows on my bed that I sleep with every single night, and have for so many years I can't count. Seriously, 20 years at least. These pillows are so thin I have to wad them up under my head, but I can't sleep without them!

If I ever find out that my ex cheated on me IN OUR BED and that woman had her head on my pillows, I will kill him in torturous ways that will make history for it's brutalness. My pillows are sacred ground.

Amy Amy Bo Bamey said...

It's okay, I am not one to judge!

I don't sleep with anything but if I was in your shoes you betcha that I would probably hold on for dear life to that pillow!!

I got more cold just reading about how cold you were. Glad you got better!!

apricot tea. said...

The whole time I was reading this I kept asking, where was I? But then I remembered I was with Chris & couldn't come home because they decided to stay longer...

That was traumatizing. ;[

McEwens said...

What a great reminder each night you have! I love that, Where you have been and where you are going!


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