Tuesday, June 16, 2009

How to live homeless for free

I have too much curiosity to sit on a street and beg for money. Why beg when you can get it for free? So, for food, I'd do the following:

1) hang out at funerals

a) wear my all black style combo (pulled fresh from a grocery bag)

b) do a little reading up on the deceased

c) cry a little…not much or else people become suspicious

d) catch a ride to the memorial park (feigning that you would rather go with someone else because you're too upset to drive

e) go to the after funeral dinner party and eat, eat, eat!! (I'd also make sure I fixed a "to go" plate for later.

2) attend weddings of those people that you don't know

a) pull out fresh wedding outfit (from grocery bag)

b) always say you're with the groom's side of the family. Most people won't be so nosy and ask how you are related. Now, if you're of a different ethnicity from the groom, then your response would be, "my mom and his mom were childhood friends…."

c) attend the reception, and eat, eat, eat.

d) greet both groom and bride, congratulating them. Tell the groom that he looks just like he did when he was a little boy.

e) fix a plate to go

3) go to Chuck E. Cheese.

a) wait until the pizza is delivered at a table where a birthday party is taking place.

b) while the kids and parents are playing the games, help yourself to the pizza. Make sure you leave a few slices for the birthday kid.

4) Hang out behind the grocery stores (around 5:30 am)

a) most of the "fresh" food is tossed out around that time. It's up for grabs as long as you promise not to sue for food poisoning of any kind.

For entertainment, I'd do the following:

1) Hang out at the courthouse and watch family law proceedings. Cheer when the judge hands down a decision.

2) Go to the hospital and visit a stranger. Talk about the good ol' days. Laugh with them, cry with them. Make them smile. (As a bonus, ride the elevators up and down, pushing buttons for those people that step on.

3) Have a movie day. Find a movie stub on the ground, use it to get back in to the theatre, telling the worker you forgot your purse. Find a theatre where a movie has just ended. You will find tons of uneaten or half eaten containers of popcorn. Grab a container and head on from one movie to the other.

4) Go to your choice of restaurants. Find someone sitting by themselves and say, "Sorry, I'm late. I got stuck in traffic. Have you ordered yet?" Tell them that the treat is on them this time and you'll be treating next time (you left your wallet at home.)

5) Try a free pass to Costco on a Saturday or Sunday. Fill up on the samples for breakfast, lunch and then for dinner, head to the next Costco.

For a place to sleep, I'd do the following:

1) Hospital waiting room, preferably the ICU. Usually, pillows and blankets are provided for family members.

2) The school playground. Find a nice, cozy spot in the dark. Laugh every now and then and make kid like sounds. The janitors will whig out, thinking that the place is haunted and won't bother going in that area to clean.

3) A hotel lobby. Tell them that your husband was going to make reservations for the two of you but he's missed his flight and won't arrive until the next day. They will feel sorry for you and make sure that you have water, food or anything else to keep you content until he arrives.

4) A truck stop. Yeah, I know it sounds dangerous but you can sit in Burger King and milk a cup of coffee for hours. Plus, there's free refills.

5) Cemetery - find a comfy plot. Talk loudly so the groundskeeper gets freaked out and thinks the place is haunted. Pleasant dreams!

And last but not least, hold a raffle with your bloggy buddies. Auction off an opportunity for you to visit every single one of them. Stay no more than two days, three days max and then move on. After all, you wouldn’t' want to wear out your welcome.


Buckeroomama said...

You're positively hilarious!

I'm pretty sure, though, that at one time or another, someone has done some of what you've listed.

BTW, I think the hotel idea is super. You get a comfy place with good washrooms. Very important --good, clean washrooms! :)

Momma Rae and the Deputy said...

cute :)

anne h said...

I slept in my car at a mall once. When security saw me, I told them I was tired from driving and was waiting for my kids, who were in the mall shopping. (not!)

Deidra said...

This is too funny! How do you think of these things?!?!?

travel girl said...

Some pretty awesome ideas!!

Veronica Lee said...

You're sooo cute, Simone!!

Lin said...

That is a LOT of thinking you got going on there. Wow. And creative?? Sheesh. I hope you don't go homeless anytime soon. :)

Butler and Bagman said...

Blog of the day!!!! The world is grateful that you are not homeless...you would be so successful at it that everyone would want to do it. I think your blog would make an excellent movie!

Tami said...

LOL, I'm laughing so hard I'm crying!

I may just follow ya!

Danica said...

Love it!

Marie Reed said...

I think I'm going to go read up on upcoming weddings now.. My tummy is grumbling for wedding cake! You're ADORABLE!

Jenn said...

I literally laughed out loud about Chuck E Cheese's, probably since Iv'e recently been there and cna see that happening so easily! Thansk for the laughs!


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