Tuesday, July 21, 2009

A Visit from the Pastor

The last few days have been spent trying to get used to this thing called "laid off". Actually, I'm not laid off, I'm laid out....out without a job. Laid off is when a person is going to be called back. Laid out is when a person is up a creek without even the Seven Dwarfs to help row the boat ashore.

So, in spite of the unemployed bum that I've suddenly become (not really but exaggerating for blogger sake) I've enjoyed a couple of days with just Boo and I. We've run errands, smooched in the middle of the grocery store, the Jiffy Lube and almost groped each other in the produce section. (I said, "almost".)

Today, we got home and in 117 degree heat, you strip the moment you walk in the door. Thank God we have plenty of hedges so there's privacy everywhere. I'm wearing booty shorts (more booty than shorts) and a t shirt (still had the bra on but barely). There's a knock on the door. I'm racing to get Sam, the shih tzu aka the Biter. I bend over and look through my legs to see the pastor walking in. Butt cheeks hanging out, I'm struggling to get Sam in the room, behind closed door while willing, no, praying my butt cheeks to firm up and hide in my shorts.

Boo, being the ever so gracious host, invites him to have a seat. I'm smiling while glaring at Boo. The Pastor is actually an ex co-worker's husband who has been inviting us to his church for weeks. He chose this time, please his heart, to come by and offer his condolences on the loss of my job.

In the middle of talking about how God has plans for me...I get something in my eye. I'm rubbing my eye while tears are pouring. I'm thinking he must be thinking that I'm touched by what he's sharing. I can't take it any longer so I snatch the contact out of my eye. Then, when he's not focusing, I put the contact in my mouth. (Gross, I know). My eyes continue to water. I shove the contact in my eye while he eyes me with compassion and possibly, pity. He looks at me one more time and surveys the booty shorts, the teary eyes and says, "I won't keep you but let's pray before I go."

That meant standing up one more time, while tugging on my shorts, squeezing my butt cheeks tight to keep them hidden inside my shorts and wiping the tears from my eyes.
Amen!

20 comments:

Frau said...

I'm laughing with you not at you! I hope you find a job soon. In the mine time take the me time you deserve.

Jeanette said...

Ok, that was just funny.

I'm pulling for you. I'd give you a job just based on your blog.

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

That was funny....Praying the perfect job is just around the corner.

blueviolet said...

LOL at this whole story! It was really sweet of him to pay you a visit but too bad it was when you were wearing booty shorts!

Tami said...

LOL, I can picture you doing that! You are one hilarious lady!
Did Boo laugh after he left (funny men always see how we squeeze the buttocks tighter in order to make it smaller) hunny hubby just says..let it out hunny..let it all out.
I didn't get a chance to ask hunny hubby bout what we talked about on the phone. He was napping on and off last night after 16 1/2 hour day =(

I'll get it for you tonight after Church.

HuGZ girlie and enjoy some rest before you get back in the rut of things!

DebraLSchubert said...

Good LORD that was funny!!!! Just one more reason I'm not big into organized religion. My luck, the rabbi would walk in while I'm naked, painting my toenails, and listening to Led Zeppelin cranked up to 100!!!;-)

Buckeroomama said...

You are one funny lady, Simone!

Deidra said...

As a pastor's wife, I must say that this is one of the best ones yet!

Kwana said...

What a post. That would totally happen to me. So sorry about your job. I'm sending good thought your way and hoping you find something soon.

mother goose said...

oooh, i;m sorry you have been laid out! it doesn't feel to be laid out! it feels like a big sucker punch! PRAYERS are going up for you.

But, girl I was captivated and held on to every word! I like the way you write. it was so visual!

Mandy said...

Well at least you didn't have Beyonce singing Booty-licious in the background. If you had and the pastor walked in, then you might have been squeezing your butt cheeks over a minister who had just fainted. ;-)

Thanks for making me laugh today. I sure hope things look up for you soon. In the mean time, enjoy your smooching at Jiffy Lube and just let it all hang out!

Ina in Alaska said...

OH YOU ARE SO FUNNY!!!! I was smiling thru your tears!!! About the clothes, just yesterday I was thinking I need to cut back on some calories because my stuff is getting tight from all the wedding (pre and post) festivities, birthdays, etc......

You are such a fun writer. I hope you won't be "laid out" for much longer!!!

Donna Marie said...

LOL.... that was hilarious! I will be sure to add you to my prayers.

xoxoxoxox
Donna Marie

Elle Bee said...

Oh boy, what a visit! I think you made a REALLY good impression! he he he. No really, I hope your joblessness is short lived.

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Wish I had seen that. Too funny!

Hallie

Veronica Lee said...

LOL, you're really funny, Simone!!

Nana said...

LOL. Booty shorts and the pastor! you know, I bet he enjoyed it! And why did you put your eye contact in your mouth?! yucky, but funny, lol!have you been searcvhing for a new job yet?

Joanna Jenkins said...

Oh Lord! What a hoot!
117 degrees!! Honey I'd be naked standing in front of the open freezer :-)
xo

Manic Mom said...

I can hardly type because I am laughing & crying so hard. You are just like me. As soon as I get home or company leaves, off with the pants & THE BRA. I hate bras!!!! I can only imagine what the Preacher Man was thinking. I'm sure he'll say a prayer for you as I will too. So, sorry about your job. Remember when 1 door closes a window opens. Hugs!

Danica said...

I'm sorry I just read you lost your job. HUGS

The shorts was just down right funny!

 

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