Thursday, May 27, 2010

Losing Friends

I never imagined that when my marriage died, that some of my friendships would also. I just automatically assumed that the friends that I cherished would still be there, no matter what.

Unfortunately, when I moved away from what I knew well, to a different city, I left my friends, my church home, my familiar shopping places and library and thrift store hangouts, my Bible study group, my house where my daughters grew up and my neighbors but most of all, friends.

That's the part that hurts the most....leaving behind what I once knew. My familiar.

I love the city that I live now. It's beautiful but I have no friends to call or to hang out with or to go walking with before the sun goes down. I don't have anyone that I can trade books with or recipes or stop by the house just to show her the bargains that I got or the books that I found.

True, Boo is wonderful but he's not my girl friends...the ones that humor me, laugh with me, cry with me, get me. He's my sweetheart, my friend but not my sista friend.

So, here I am at a crossroad. I'm loving who I'm with and where I live, but I'm missing what used to be in my friends.

It's funny, I can love where I love and who I'm with but still be lonely.

Do you know what I mean?


Ace said...

I understand completely. I haven't moved in a lot of years, but used to do a lot of moving around and it was always lonely. It can still be lonely now. Because of our lifestyles these days, it seems to be a common theme among women that we have a hard time acquiring friends, let alone a whole group of them. So leaving the ones you do have is like a death. I envy our mothers and the neighborhood societies they had where everyone knew everyone and met over the back fence to chat.

Danica said...

I completely get what you mean. When I got divorced I lost most of my female friends. I still had my BFF thank goodness, but everyone else left with him.

I wish I lived closer because I'd love to swap books, recipes, and take a long walk and just talk about whateva.

Hang in there!

mrstdj said...

I think I understand. My scenario is a little different. I haven't moved or gotten divorced, but I did have a baby. He's 16 months old and I've seen my friend circle shrink drastically. Our lives are so different from one another now, but it still makes me feel lonely at time. I appreciate the ones that have hung around and are patient with hardly ever seeing me.

Mari said...

It s perfect sense. I would have a really hard time moving away from my family and friends.
I hope when you get another job you can get to know some of the women there.

Ina in Alaska said...

Guess they really weren't friends. Have you joined a new church or library reading circle? Take some free community tennis lessons, free "other" classes of interest to you, get on Twitter, start a once a month board game afternoon, do volunteer work, get out with the dogs.... oh my it is hard to walk with the pups without people stopping to chat.

We met Toby's BFF Lois while walking. We are great friends now.

I hope you cheer up, Simone. I think you are getting down. I am concerned about you. Said with love and respect. xoxoxo

Deidra said...

Whew boy! I know it all too well. I have moved so many times...usually to a place where everyone has known each other since the day they were born in the same hospital and slept in the bassinet next to each other in the hospital nursery. These people are wonderful, gracious, and kind people, but we don't share history with each other, so it takes a bit more time and effort. But, eventually, I usually make a few really good friends, whom I love and hate to leave. I think it takes time. On the flip side, though, the people I've gotten to meet in my lifetime have all been treasures and I would never have gotten to know them if I hadn't moved as much as I have.

Frau said...

Oh! Simone I know what you mean....It's my life I live now. Not everyone understands or does it make sense how hard it to start over. For me I think it's different cause I'm in Germany but really I'm different and just felt too tired to start over. Sad part is since I've been gone 2 years my old friends have drop off the face of the earth all but one . And especially now that we are not moving back to Utah...I guess they are only friends if I'm in front of them. Life time friends are rare but they are there. I know when I move I'm going about things differently cause I can't live this way..too depressing. I need GF. So I'm looking for a book club, bunco group. Church activities damn near gonna beg people to be friends. I know and feel you loneliness, I wish I had the answer but you have a lot to offer someone...don't give up. ((Hugs))

Petula said...

I know what you mean. Same thing happened to me (in a way) when my husband and I separated then divorced. Difference is I didn't move and those "friends" I guess decided I wasn't worthy of the friendship as a single woman.

If I ever move I don't think I'll miss anything about this area even though I really like living in the state. I feel like I am ready for a change and a new start. Hopefully you'll make new friends and it will be even better than you remember.

Just Breathe said...

It is hard when you lose your friends. I moved away from my friends 21 years ago. I made some new ones along the way but they have since moved. When I moved into my new home three years ago I had to leave my church. I am happy to have my friends at bowling once a week but they are not woman that I hang with. You have us :)

Veronica Lee said...

I can imagine how hard it must be to lose your friends. Wish we lived closer, then we could go for tea, share recipes, etc.

((hugs)) Simone!!

Buckeroomama said...

Simone, I echo what Veronica wrote... If only you live closer, we'd hang out with you and Baby Boo and Z can even be BFF! :) {{Hugs}}!

My name is PJ. said...

I know what you mean.

But you are such an engaging soul. Don't you have any neighbors you can ask to walk with you? What's the worst they can say?

Do you skype with your friends from home? I find that helps enormously.

Rona's Home Page said...

When we moved from San Diego to Vegas we had no friends. It's been 3 years and we still don't have good friends just acquaintances.

Relyn said...

I know exactly what you mean. I haven't headed off for a new city, but I, too, find myself largely without girlfriends. We changed churches and it's stunning how alone that has left us. I know exactly what you mean. All I can suggest is that we keep praying and keep open to new friends. Maybe we can pray for each other, too?

Syrone said...

It's too bad we don't live close anymore. I also miss your friendship. Thank God for the telephone and the computer or we would have a real problem. This might be a good chance for you to explore your new neighborhood and become involved with new and interesting people there. I know it's not easy, but once they know you, everyone would want to be your friend!

Suz said...

Simone -

My heart goes out to you. I know how important girlfriends are. And when you are not working at an office or having kids in school, it's hard to meet people.

Maybe you need to join a group of some sort. I have started going to a writer's group and am loving it. I hope to make new friends there.

Aren't there Bible study groups at your church? Get involved.

I want you to have a flesh and blood friend. You deserve it.

ethelmaepotter! said...

I know what you mean.

When I was growing up, my family moved every year...sometimes twice a a different city, maybe a different state. I was constantly leaving my friends. It became so heartbreaking that I began NOT MAKING FRIENDS, just to avoid the heartbreak of leaving them.

You've still got us!

Joanna Jenkins said...

Oh yes, I know exactly what you mean Simone.

I came to Los Angeles for a three year job assignment and 22 years later I'm still here-- still away from my family, the majority of my friends, the part of the country I really love and all things "familiar". It can be very lonely. I'm sorry you're feeling it too.

Hang in there,

Aging Mommy said...

I just had to stop by and say Hi after reading your comment over at Erin's blog today. I am a 46 year old Mom to a three year old also. As for the whole moving and making friends thing, we moved here to the US six years ago and I still am struggling to make what I would call real friends. It takes time and a lot of effort to find people you can build really deep friendships with and it is so important to have that in your life.

Helene said...

I totally get what you mean! Our men can be our best friends but there's just something about a girlfriend that is super comforting!

Lin said...

Yep! It happens to all of us for various reasons besides divorce. Even just the kids not being in little league anymore means that we don't see those friends anymore. It's hard, but it is natural for friends to come and go. Only the true friends stay forever and for everything. :)

Hey, I Love the new look here!!

Mandy's Life After 30 said...

I hate to hear you feeling sad. I do know that it's hard to find the right group or make that exact fit with people. But you just have to get out there and try! You're a wonderful, friendly person. You should have no trouble meeting folks. It's just about finding the ones you want to be with more than once!! I'm not sure what hobbies interest you -- but I bet if you look around, you can find all sorts of things -- bunco groups, book clubs through local libraries or bookstores, "New Neighbors League" in your area, etc. If you need help looking for social events, let me know! I love to plan and find things to do!

In the mean time, I know a lot of virutal friends are lucky to have you in their life. (Me)

Menopausal New Mom said...

I can relate to this sooooooo much. When my hubby and I got married, I moved almost 3 hours away from my "old life". I gave up my career and all my girlfriends when I moved but guess what! I gained a wonderful husband and a daughter I never expected to have. I'm blessed and I can always make new girlfriends here when our daughter gets older and I'm ready for a social life again :)

Mom et al said...

I applaud your strength. I started over myself once, and I know how scary it can be making new friends. I was younger, but I know too well where are coming from now. We need girl time. It may take some effort on your part- a new book club or church group, but I’m sure someday you’ll find yourself a new friend(s).

If it helps for now, we’re here!

sanjeet said...

I hope when you get another job you can get to know some of the women there.
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