This is a blog post that almost wasn't. You know the one where you think, "No one will relate to this"? But, then I realized that by keeping this to myself, I may be preventing someone from reading what may need to be shared.
When I was a kid, I loved reading Mrs. Piggle Wiggle books by Betty Macdonald. She had cures for just about everything. For the kids that whined or hated getting up for school or hated cleaning their ears, she always seemed to have the right substance to change their outlook.
In one story, Patsy Brown refuses to take baths so Mrs. Piggle Wiggle tells her parents to let the dirt accumulate and when it does, to plant radish seeds on Patsy's skin. Before long, Patsy has radish plants growing all over her. (I know, weird concept.)
If I were a character in Mrs. Piggle Wiggle's life, I would be the one with "Don't Care-itis". It's the "itis" where after every thought, it's followed with an "I don't care." There are those pesky little thoughts like, "I really don't need another slice of pie" followed by "I don't care". Or, "I need to get some sleep or else I'll be exhausted tomorrow" followed once again by, "I don't care." Those may not be a big deal but the bigger "Don't Cares" are.
The last few weeks, I have been more frustrated than I've ever been in a lifetime. I have been from one specialist appointment to another and still have a few more on the list to see. Somewhere along the way, I literally forgot how far God has brought me on this journey.
I began to feel unlovable.
It doesn't matter if I live or not...
I'm more of a stress to J and my family.
It doesn't matter whether I have gifts or talents, there are others that are better at it than I am.
Sure I might be missed if I was gone but I'd soon be forgotten.
So I don't write a blog post, there's tons of bloggers out there that have more to say than I do.
Before you all begin commenting about how I should contact the suicide hotline or that I'm depressed and need to seek treatment....stop and think. I believe everyone has felt a sense of being unloved, helpless, hopeless, insecure and not good enough. The problem is when you don't admit it out of fear that others will look at you differently. Do you know how many people you pass each day that are smiling on the outside and crying on the inside?
In my case, I KNOW that all of those thoughts are lies. I KNOW that I am CHOSEN for a purpose and that God has given me a second chance at life. I KNOW that I am loved and wanted and needed. I know that when I am headed down the path that I am supposed to take is when the "Don't Care-itis" happens.
Maybe you have been told all of your life that you don't matter. But, taking a line from the book, The Help by Kathryn Stockett, "You is kind; you is smart; you is important."
That's why community and friendship is like a lifeline. Unless you speak what you are feeling to someone, you will never give them the opportunity to come beside you and embrace you and love on you. You will cheat others of the moments of letting you know that you are loved and valued. We all have a purpose and whether your purpose is revealed at this moment or not, you are loved.
I would love to be there for you. If you need someone to listen as you talk or come beside you, please drop me an email. I really do care!