Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Don't Care-itis

This is a blog post that almost wasn't. You know the one where you think, "No one will relate to this"? But, then I realized that by keeping this to myself, I may be preventing someone from reading what may need to be shared.

When I was a kid, I loved reading Mrs. Piggle Wiggle books by Betty Macdonald. She had cures for just about everything. For the kids that whined or hated getting up for school or hated cleaning their ears, she always seemed to have the right substance to change their outlook.

In one story, Patsy Brown refuses to take baths so Mrs. Piggle Wiggle tells her parents to let the dirt accumulate and when it does, to plant radish seeds on Patsy's skin. Before long, Patsy has radish plants growing all over her. (I know, weird concept.)

If I were a character in Mrs. Piggle Wiggle's life, I would be the one with "Don't Care-itis". It's the "itis" where after every thought, it's followed with an "I don't care." There are those pesky little thoughts like, "I really don't need another slice of pie" followed by "I don't care". Or, "I need to get some sleep or else I'll be exhausted tomorrow" followed once again by, "I don't care." Those may not be a big deal but the bigger "Don't Cares" are.

The last few weeks, I have been more frustrated than I've ever been in a lifetime. I have been from one specialist appointment to another and still have a few more on the list to see. Somewhere along the way, I literally forgot how far God has brought me on this journey.

I began to feel unlovable.

 It doesn't matter if I live or not...

I'm more of a stress to J and my family.

It doesn't matter whether I have gifts or talents, there are others that are better at it than I am.

Sure I might be missed if I was gone but I'd soon be forgotten.

So I don't write a blog post, there's tons of bloggers out there that have more to say than I do.

Before you all begin commenting about how I should contact the suicide hotline or that I'm depressed and need to seek treatment....stop and think. I believe everyone has felt a sense of being unloved, helpless, hopeless, insecure and not good enough. The problem is when you don't admit it out of fear that others will look at you differently. Do you know how many people you pass each day that are smiling on the outside and crying on the inside?

In my case, I KNOW that all of those thoughts are lies. I KNOW that I am CHOSEN for a purpose and that God has given me a second chance at life. I KNOW that I am loved and wanted and needed. I know that when I am headed down the path that I am supposed to take is when the "Don't Care-itis" happens.

Maybe you have been told all of your life that you don't matter. But, taking a line from the book, The Help by Kathryn Stockett, "You is kind; you is smart; you is important."

That's why community and friendship is like a lifeline. Unless you speak what you are feeling to someone, you will never give them the opportunity to come beside you and embrace you and love on you. You will cheat others of the moments of letting you know that you are loved and valued. We all have a purpose and whether your purpose is revealed at this moment or not, you are loved.

I would love to be there for you. If you need someone to listen as you talk or come beside you, please drop me an email. I really do care!


Nezzy said...

I really don't think these thought are uncommon after goin' through what you have sweetie.

...but this I know, God wouldn't of brought you back if He didn't have a divine purpose for your life. How very special your purpose must be for Him to of done that!!!

Yep, we can all relate to your post here. All who take breath ask these very same question when we slip into a slump. Then we look up and remember our Maker has a plan.

I too want to reach out to others. Pray and really be there for them. It's amazin' how much we can care for someone we've never met isn't it?

God bless and have a magnificent day my friend!!!

Menopausal New Mom said...

Simone, this is such an inspiring post. You are absolutely right about how we each have mood swings of up or down. What I've learned when I'm down is to think back over the ups and realize that without the downs, the ups would not have the same meaning or magic. There would be nothing to measure them against. We all want to be valued, loved and validated whether we admit it or not. Hugs to you. Deb

Formerly known as Frau said...

This is an amazing community and especially when you know you are not alone. Great post!

Mari said...

I think these thoughts are pretty normal when you've gone through what you have, especially when you are still dealing with it.
This post shows something about you that is so special. In the middle of dealing with your own troubles, you are putting yourself out there to help others. You are a pretty amazing person and I know God is going to use this hard time for good!

Brian Miller said...

def think we all have these thoughts on some level...and you are right that is where having community and someone to refute these thoughts def comes in...

what nezzy said is true...

Beau's Mom said...

The aftermath of any type of heart problem is always followed by depression. Depression brings on internal thoughts we have no answer for other than "I don't care", or "Big deal". And this is true for ALL traumatic situations.

Because you know me so well I do not have to list the medical problems in my life, but I will say you are lucky to have made it this far without having a physical malady that jars your sense of self-worth.

You will learn from this and you will grow, and in time you will realize that you are smiling on the inside because you just helped someone else find their way too.

Leslie Payne said...

A hearty "Amen" to what you and every one else said! But I especially agree with what Beau's Mom said. A psychologist/heart patient/patient counselor friend of mine has explained how heart issues and/or surgery are always accompanied with anxiety and/or depression.

It's a rough road at times. I also had to see so many specialists who had no idea how to help me. Little by little, the Lord let us know just what we needed for the next step.

A step at a time, Simone. God is faithful even when we can't see it.

Terra said...

Simone, God is faithful, and as others have mentioned, there is probably a connection between heart problems and "don't care-itis". You are a sweetheart to share here with us.

Anita said...

I read another blog post today by the son of someone I know. I've never met him, however, I feel drawn to his blog, Armordown.blogspot. He's young, ex-military and reaching out to his fellow troops who have exerienced trauma.
Two people who have experienced pain, you and him, still thinking of others.
You're a strong woman, though I wish your burdens were lighter. As Nezzy said, God has a divine purpose for you...for me, too, I hope. And for all of us.

Jill said...

Great post Simone and so much truth in it. You are right it is nice to know someone cares! I hope they find out what is going on with your health. I've been keeping you in my prayers,

Many Blessings,

Lin said...

I agree--we've all been there. There are time when I am my own worst enemy--my brain recalling those moments when I did or said something stupid or mean. Or when I made a mistake and made a fool of myself. Do I remember all the good I did or the nice things I've said to folks? Nope. I prefer to beat myself up instead. Silly me.

Blogging has saved me. There is such a warm group of pallies that surround me--and I like to think that I surround them too--in good times and in bad. :) It's also very cathartic to put my thoughts and feelings on a page.

I guess we are all here for each other...and for ourselves. It's a nice feeling, isn't it?

I'm here for you too.

Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell said...

We've definitely all been there at one point or another and thankfully we pull ourselves through it. And then there's faith - the biggest tow rope out of the mud there ever was!

Luv you!

Ina in Alaska said...

Hope the MDs can figure out what is going on!

Re blogging. I think it is different for each blogger. Mine is almost like a diary of what is going on in my world.

Your life has changed so much since you left California. From your recent posts you seem to be in the midst of much change.

Fragrant Liar said...

I don't know about god, but I do believe "friendship is like a lifeline." What I'd do without my friends, who have accompanied me through the good, bad, and the fugly times? They allow me to express myself in so many ways, and they still keep coming back! :-) Stay positive and keep looking forward, is what I can say that works for me.

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

I know I have been there...Thanks for an honest beautiful post.....It spoke to me....Love you

Heather said...

Hi I’m Heather! Please email me when you get a chance! HeatherVonsj(at)gmail(dot)com

Heather said...

Hi I’m Heather! Please email me when you get a chance! HeatherVonsj(at)gmail(dot)com

Debby@Just Breathe said...

I feel like that more often than I like to admit. It is good to be open and honest. I know that God loves me and He is so good to me but I would like appreciation from my family. Great post!

Megryansmom said...

Just hugs Simone!

Helene said...

I always enjoy your blog posts. You have an amazing attitude and I always leave here having learned something.

I can relate to what you've written, as I've been one of those people who has smiled on the outside but is crying on the inside.

It's comforting to know there are others out there who care.

PⒿ @ $ € € ₦$ ₣®0₥... said...

You are not alone...in thought, word or deed. I care and I know others do too. Helping others will help you. And there are two things,simple things, that will also help -immeasurably:

1. Before your feet hit the floor every morning say a prayer of thanks for a minimum of 5 things.

2. Follow it with The Prayer of Jabez.
'Oh Lord that you would bless me indeed and expand my territory! That your hand would be with me and that you would keep me from evil, that I may not cause pain.'

If you're willing, please email me your home address.

Veronica Lee said...

Like Lin said, we're all here for each other. Let's have a group hug!

Know that you are loved, Simone. I pray that you will get through these trying times.

BerryMorins Bits & Tips said...

Oh man! Have I had those feelings. They cut so deep...right into the bone marrow.
I hope that you know you have the Heavenly Father loving and supporting you during these times.
I pray that you get better soon. If you find that you aren't please reach out to professionals.

Linda Myers said...

I read the Mrs. Piggle Wiggle books many times!

It's healing for you and for your readers when you talk about how you're feeling. You are most certainly not the only one who's felt this way, even though it might seem like it sometimes.

sprinkles said...

I used to LOVE the Mrs. Piggle Wiggle books! How funny you mentioned the story about Patsy Brown because I once had a dream where I had a tomato plant growing out of my leg.

I have the "Don't Care-itis" too. It's gotten within the past year but hasn't completely gone away. I hope that yours does soon.

Sweet Tea said...

Glad to see a new post from you. Guuurl, there's few things more depressing than traipsing from one doctor to the next. Still, "a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do" to take care of yourself Once the good docs get you all figured out you'll begin to "feel" what you know in your heart - "You are loved and valued by many"!

I think most, if not all, can identify with this post.
Thanks for sharing!

Buckeroomama said...

Ditto to what Nezzy said (she's wise, that gal, isn't she?)!

By the way, Don't Care-itis? Great term you came up with. :)

Joanna Jenkins said...

Hi Simone, You have really had your plate full lately and I know how frustrating countless medical appointments can be. Know that you are cherished in this community and we're all here for you. And, it's nice to know that you're here for us too.

So chin up and hang in there. We love you. xo jj

Velvet Over Steel said...

Yes, I have felt the same way many, many times too & yet I didn't need the help of a hotline either. Just someone to listen and care.

You certainly are an inspiration to me and so many others. Sending prayers and virtual hugs to you!!! Hang in there and stay strong! ~Coreen XOXO

Donna B. said...

Oh Simone I am sending you hugs. I can relate to exactly how you feel...I battle those type of feelings since moving here, so far from my daughters, grand sons, family and friends...

It has not been easy to make myself feel like I have meaning in my life or any purpose. I find myself retired and all the time in the world and 250 miles from those I love.

I joined a small Bible Study to help remind myself to have faith. If God wants us back in CA, He will find a way for us to return... In the meantime, I have to do my best to make the most of it.

Relyn said...

OH, I am glad you shared this. You are right, of course. So many people can connect with it. I do love Mrs. Piggle Wiggle and the Won't-Take-a-Bath cure is my favorite of all time. I thought you might get a kick out of knowing that kids still adore Mrs. PW. I read her to my kids every year and they love her.

ethelmaepotter! said...

Dearest Simone,

This is a most amazing post. In a few choice words, you have put your finger directly on issues that touch most of us at some point in our lives; some of us know Don't Care-itis intimately, while others have a mere passing acquaintance. Most of feel unlovable at some point, most of us bemoan the fact that others are "better" than we are, and most of us think "no one will relate to this." BUT...

You, Simone, have that unique ability to touch others in a way that EVERYONE can relate. We read your words and find ourselves nodding; yes, we KNOW! We KNOW what you're talking about! You have many gifts to share, and this ability to reach out and touch others is but one.

You is kind. You is smart. You is important. You is not growing radishes on your skin.

Because you know how to kick Don't Care-itis' butt.

Annesphamily said...

March and April are the toughest months ever for me! My oldest sister Pat was born in March. My niece Sarah was too. They both passed away way too young. My unborn daughter Rachel was a "fetal demise" (clinically depressing term in itself! Ugh! I lost my dad in April and my unborn daughter had to be delivered in April. SO I get sad and cry and get angry and upset. It is part of the healing. All the years that have gone away without the beauty of these wonderful folks makes me sad. But my life is better because of all of them. So I know how we all go thru this sad stuff. You are so loved. You are wonderful. I love knowing you and hope you can get some results and get what you need out of our health care! It is a frustrating process. Hugs Anne


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