Monday, April 2, 2012

A Letter to the Ex

Packed memories have waited my attention for a time like this. I knew the time would come for me to unpack - to sort through a life that once existed.

I found joy in our daughters drawings of cherished times and of a happy family. I smiled at the memories of those times. Childish handwriting declaring love forever to their mommy and their daddy.

But, you changed all of that. You took faithfulness out of our marriage and replaced it with distrust and brokenness.

You destroyed my view of happily ever after. More importantly, our daughters joy was replaced with fear of loving and being loved by a man that would promise "I love you forever and always".

As I sorted through the photos, I looked for signs of deceit hidden in your smile. I tried to understand how a man could have three girls that spoiled him rotten and loved him unfailingly, yet destroy it so easily.

I found photos of when we first met and the memories came flooding back of when we first said, "I love you". I realize now, what TRUE love really is and what we had wasn't TRUE.

Hidden beneath the videos and photos, was what I once held close to sacred....love letters from me to you and you to me. Years of reflecting, apologizing during an argument, celebrating Valentine's day or a card for no reason other than to say, "I love you." What meant something then, was discarded in the trash as quickly as you destroyed our family. This time, there were no tears shed. It was letting go of a burden that unknowingly had taken shelter in my new life of love and happiness. There was no better place for it to be than the point of no return.

I thought I had let go of the "what we once had" until those memories were uncovered. I thought I had forgiven you. I thought I no longer hated you. But obviously, I hadn't fully embraced it.

A few months ago, when I died for what seemed like an eternity, I wondered the reason why I was given life anew...a rebirth. As I looked for reasons, I found them - some hidden, some revealed. One word came through loud and clear....CHOSEN. I'm still seeking what it is that I'm chosen for but I know a few things I am not chosen for - to continue to allow hatred and distrust to linger in my life any longer.

I am letting go of that hatred minute by minute with God's help.

I have found new love in J - a pure, unselfish oneness that I never thought I'd find in this lifetime. His love for me has been like rain, washing away the tears, bitterness and insecurities and giving me certainty in a place where my heart was empty.

Our daughters now have a place to look when they seek out a reflection of what love really is.

Love is holding my hand through the pain, not knowing what the end result will be but knowing that he will be there every step of the way. 

Love is having all eyes on the one you loving, knowing that he or she is the only one that will take your breath away.

Love is knowing that when the time comes to say goodbye on this earth, you can leave with a smile, knowing that you have felt the truest of love.

Love is touchable, seeable, laughable, joyful, hopeful and never letting go.

In a way that I failed to see until now, I owe you thanks. For through your failure to be faithful and committed, you gave me the greatest gift...an opportunity to really find what true love is.

Signed....

J's Wife, Simone


20 comments:

Mari said...

I'm so glad you have J in your life and have found the love and joy you deserve. I love the way you signed this post!

Nezzy said...

I praise God that your found the kinda love that makes your heart sing and curls your toes sweetie.

There is much freedom of lettin' go of the past. I hear that in your eloquent words.

God bless ya and have a magnificent week dear girl! :o)

Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell said...

The road to get to where we need to be is often uncomfortable and painful but necessary. I'm so happy for the love you share with your forever now. :)

Brian Miller said...

you know...i think you are in a beautiful place right now...and forgiving def takes rooting around in it to get that last little bit as well...and i am glad you have a man by you now to walk that with you...

Debby@Just Breathe said...

It is impossible to live in this world without His love. Your letter brought back so many memories. It is so painful when someone we loved hurts us so deeply. So glad you found love.

Anita said...

Oh, You go Girl!

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

A wonderful letter ....You did GOOD....

Lin said...

Let go of the past and rejoice in the love you have now, Simone! It's truly a gift. :)

Petula Wright said...

Wow! That's some letter. An honest revelation of feelings and realizations. I am glad to see that through that you found/have J... it gives me hope that maybe I'll find my forever, true love.

Stacy said...

A husband's infidelity sucks, doesn't it. It does all those things you mentioned and the destroying of trust has to be the worst. I went through it with my husband about 11 years ago. I decided not to end the marriage, but it was a long hard road to forgiveness and even now I sometimes can't stop the dark thoughts that creep into my mind if he is late getting home or some such thing. I'm glad you've found love and peace in life. May you and J enjoy many years together.

Marilyn said...

Thanks for visiting me today. I will be exploring your sight more. How nice to have someone also from Oregon, that enjoys the rain.

Chatty Crone said...

Phew - this is amazingly honest. And I am so glad you found someone who really loved you and are trying to get over the anger of the past.

sandie

Sweet Tea said...

So glad you are being truly loved as you should be, Simone. . .Being deceived is a hard thing to put behind you. Very hard.

Jill said...

What a powrdul post! Very well written and definitely got your point across :-) Good for you for moving on!
Have a lovely week.

Blessings,
Jill

PⒿ @ $ € € ₦$ ₣®0₥... said...

Wow, there are a big bunch of us who can relate to some or all of your words.

Try to remember the biggest blessings came from that ill-fated union: your children and the lessons you learned. God intended that...He meant it to teach and further shape your character.

I read something recently that resonated. I have to paraphrase: One day, someone will walk into your life and make you realize why no one before him was right for you.

Enter J. :-)

Relyn said...

sigh. I don't even have the words to say... I am sorry. Sorry for your pain, friend. but, so glad you have been able to find blessings in it.

Buckeroomama said...

I am so glad that the 'journey' has been worth it.

Veronica Lee said...

So glad you're now married to someone who truly deserves you.

God bless you, Simone!

Annesphamily said...

Bitterness and hatefulness will destroy us. I praise God you are letting go! It must feel so heavenly! You are an amazing writer. God Bless You and my prayers are being sent for you and yours> Keep being so positive and I know you re trusting HIM ! Hugs Anne

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