I tried...I willed the tears not to
fall. I was being a big baby! The nurse
tried to be gentle as she inserted the tube up my nose and then, down my
esophagus, into my stomach. I refused to let it get the best of me until the
tube got stuck and she had to force it into the other nostril instead. The
reminder of what I had dealt with already and what was to come was the catalyst
behind the tears that finally fell.
The nurse rubbed my shoulder and back as
she told me in soothing tones, how much of a trooper I was and how she
understood. I smiled through the tears thinking how I would laugh when this was
all over.
Normally, I wouldn't be showing my
"stuff" aka tears. But I have learned to be vulnerable. Vulnerability
isn't much to be excited about. In fact, the dictionary describes vulnerability
as an open door to being susceptible or capable of being wounded or hurt. I’m
sure not close to jumping for joy over being hurt but I am all about being real.
We women are emotional and sensitive. It’s
just the way we are. Little things touch us in a way that may not affect men.
Yet, the harder our lives get, the easier it is to stuff our emotions so that
others can’t come in or at least take a peek. To some, showing your “stuff”
means you’re not “tough enough”.
The other day, I got a paper cut. It wasn’t
an ordinary paper cut but a cardboard paper cut. I instantly put pressure on
the cut and then peeked at it, expecting to see blood spurting everywhere but
it wasn’t. In fact, it only bled a little. But, it HURT! It brought tears to my
eyes so I did what came naturally…I went to tell J about it. Why? Because if I
didn’t show him that I was hurting, he would not know that I needed him to
reach out to me.
I want others to know that they are “safe”
with me in telling their stuff. It takes courage to step out and say, “Last
night was really a bad night because……” or “I can’t seem to stop cutting….” Or “I
just don’t feel loveable…” or “I am so sick and tired of…” It’s not all about
complaining but it is all about being vulnerable enough so that others can
come beside you and embrace, listen, pray and truly be your
friend.
I challenge you to take the time to
really hear someone’s heart. Reach out to them and listen. Even
better, I challenge you to show your stuff to others. Let them see the real you…your
insides...without regrets. I believe this will be the beginning of something REAL.
Feel the fear and do it anyway!
Posts
30 comments:
Okay....I'm sitting here crying over this. How's that for vulnerable? You really hit home for me. I don't have a lot of close friends and my inability to be vulnerable is most likely at the bottom of it. My emotional shutdown began with my strict, overly critical parents and continues today. I hate to let people see how much something hurts. A real catch-22 is that people not reaching out to me hurts, but I'm the one that keeps them at a distance. :/
Excellent, excellent, excellent!!! Great words of wisdom and truth. I think this is a lesson the Body of Christ needs to hear, and it is so well written.
Oh, do I ever empathize and sympathize on this one! I, too, had to have the gastro tube inserted and 'swallowed' when I was so dreadfully sick in 1999 and in the ER. They were trying to figure out if I was having a heart attack, pulmonary embolism, or some kind of a major digestive blockage so they had to pump my stomach. I managed mine without tears but it sure wasn't pleasant. I will keep you close in my prayers, dear Simone. There WILL be an end to this somewhere along the line and you'll come out stronger for it. Love you, girl.
You are so right! I know that I'm guilty of this, and I think so many of us are. But - if we don't share our hurts, how can we receive comfort?
That is a most uncomfortable procedure, I've had to assist with it.Praying for you - for answers and an end to the tests.
Aw, Simone. You are really going through some stuff there. I certainly hope that you are getting good medical care and that you are feeling better soon. I'm glad that you have J and the gang around you during this very difficult time.
I think we let down a bit more when we know we are loved and are safe with opening our heart. It's foolish to do so when you aren't safe--it just lends to more hurt. I'm glad you are a place where you have such love around you, my friend.
Woohoo for you girl!!! I believe as Christians we love to put on this air of perfection which makes us unapproachable to those who need us the most.
I was in an evenin' prayer and share service once when a woman stood up to share what she was facin' and began with "all of you are so perfect." I thought right then and there SHAME ON US!!!
I contacted this dear lady and uncovered myself so she had no doubt that there was on a perfect lot in the bunch. Since that time I've made it a point to open up and show we all have 'stuff' in our lives.
I tell my Kid's Church not a one of us is perfect, we all sin. If we we're perfect, we'd be God and we certainly aren't God!!!
Bless your heart sweetie, I hate like the dickens that you have to endure this but we know God has a plans and who knows the lives you'll touch on your journey.
Sorry I've gotten a bit windy here. Daddy would of said, "There she goes...she's got diarrhea of the mouth again!!! Heeehehehe!
I'm sendin' warm hugs and heaps of prayers your way sweet Simone.
God bless and have an awesome day my friend! :o)
i think being vulnerable it s a wonderful thing honestly because it is truth...embrace, listen, pray and truly be your friend...that sums it up for me...i will def go find someone to listen to today...smiles.
I hear you. It's so hard for us to vulnerable. But I learned a long time that sometimes you have to suck it up and reach out and show those emotions. So much better than keeping them all bottled up.
I've been wondering how things went for you. I admit, I may have worried just a bit.
Of course, this has me thinking about our FB conversation. :)
I think we women have put on strong facades in so many parts of our lives that it is difficult to give ourselves permission to show our pain. I will whine and cry over the smaller stuff, but the big things, no way. I know I feel that others look to me for their cue on how to react.
You're in my prayers. Hope you get an answer that is an easy fix.
So sorry!!!
You have just put your cardboard-cut finger on the heart of the matter. Being vulnerable is a challenge for most people. Deep inside we have a fear that if we tell people our struggles...they won't like us anymore. I have found that as I start opening up and sharing even the ugly things about me, it tends to have the opposite effect. Sometimes people say they feel closer to me! Great post...
You know what I fell - that listening is a hard thing to do - it is almost a lost art - with all this technology. I do think we need to listen really listen to others better. sandie
You always do have such a wise perspective on things.
kindness goes such a long way!!! and it is contagious!! yesterday my 18 yr old son had to get a shot so he could travel abroad...he is afraid of shots...and told he nurse..instead of making him feel like a baby she relaxed him...he came home so happy and proud of himself he was especially nice to everyone else...
I am your newest follower..pls follow back if you can.
I don't like pain - physical or emotional - and I try to avoid it like the plague. But that's not realistic, is it? Hence, I have to work on exposing my vulnerabilities.
Thank you for always exposing your vulnerabilits. People like me need to know that it's okay.
I hope J hugged you and kissed your finger and made it alright. :)
I didn't use to be vulnerable but I am now. I think pain over time makes us that way and I see nothing wrong with it. I share a lot of myself with people and all of myself with God. Beautiful post.
I go back and forth with being vulnerable. I have a few people I can consistently open up to who will always comfort, love and make me feel safe... and vice versa, I hope. It's the new people - female friends and potential male companions -- who I normally regret opening up to. I try to live with no regrets so I should take this same approach. When health stuff is going on with me I try to maintain a tough exterior, but it's good to show the softer, vulnerable side. Nice post.
Hope everything is okay with your health and that you're on the mend.
I am writing a post that is pretty vulnerable..thanks for sharing this...I have a little more courage
My heart goes out to you. I totally dislike hospitals, drs and procedures. I must say I probably could not go through that! It would freak me out, lol so you are already braver than me! :-) This is a great post. Sending you big hugs! My thoughts and prayers are with you at this time.
Blessings,
Jill
Oh I've missed you and your words! We've a long month here with my bro-in-law in the hospital, and I simply couldn't do hospital duty and blogging. Something had to give. But I did finish my novel two days ago!)
Pain and illness do amazing things in teaching us to be real. It's such a balance to be honest, yet not seek pity or wallow in it.
Tuesday morning I had to have a serious of shots in my neck and the muscles in my knotted up shoulders. I'll spare you the details, but my military husband can't handle watching. So I've been learning that balance again. Ever learning! :0)
Unknowns are so hard to handle and you have your share right now. You will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. Cheering you on!
((Gentle hugs))
Oh goodness....I had a series of shots. They were serious too! LOL
I hear you. I hear you, friend. And I love you. And, I am praying for you.
Oh, Simone, what a dreadful procedure. Awful! I grew up in a household where everything was considered "private". No big secrets or anything to be ashamed of, but was talk we never talk about "private" things...As an adult I have learned to be the exact opposite. I "put it all out there" - it's a totally freeing way to live. I don't think people can be "real" friends unless they are willing to share themself, the good and the bad. I openly admit that anything "medical" is my achiles heel. You are very brave, even when you are vulnerable. Praying for you daily, GF!!
Hi Simone, That is not a fun test. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I'd be crying too.
Your words are wise and comforting all at the same time.
Hang in there and feel good. xoxox jj
I admire you for being brave during the medical procedure and for reminding us that when we are vulnerable we help other people. A friend at my church once told me that our pews are filled with sinners, which is true. Churches are no way filled with perfected angels, I agree with you.
I think sometimes when we are willing to be vulnerable, it makes us stronger in the long run.
It's hard to trust others in our time of need...
It's easier to be the giver than the recipient...
I'm sorry you're going through all this...
But I'm happy to hear you are learning the strength of leaning and not breaking.
Sending a hug and a prayer your way, Miss Simone.
How very true! People are more understanding and accept us more when we show them our feet of clay.
Oh, Simone, I'm so sorry you have to go through all this. And you're right--paper cuts hurt! Whenever I get one, I feel I deserve a cast--that way, people will know I've been injured!
I'm learning a lot about vulnerability since my teenage daughter was diagnosed with a rare blood cancer in 2013 and died 9 months later.
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