I tried...I willed the tears not to fall. I was being a big baby! The nurse tried to be gentle as she inserted the tube up my nose and then, down my esophagus, into my stomach. I refused to let it get the best of me until the tube got stuck and she had to force it into the other nostril instead. The reminder of what I had dealt with already and what was to come was the catalyst behind the tears that finally fell.
The nurse rubbed my shoulder and back as she told me in soothing tones, how much of a trooper I was and how she understood. I smiled through the tears thinking how I would laugh when this was all over.
Normally, I wouldn't be showing my "stuff" aka tears. But I have learned to be vulnerable. Vulnerability isn't much to be excited about. In fact, the dictionary describes vulnerability as an open door to being susceptible or capable of being wounded or hurt. I’m sure not close to jumping for joy over being hurt but I am all about being real.
We women are emotional and sensitive. It’s just the way we are. Little things touch us in a way that may not affect men. Yet, the harder our lives get, the easier it is to stuff our emotions so that others can’t come in or at least take a peek. To some, showing your “stuff” means you’re not “tough enough”.
The other day, I got a paper cut. It wasn’t an ordinary paper cut but a cardboard paper cut. I instantly put pressure on the cut and then peeked at it, expecting to see blood spurting everywhere but it wasn’t. In fact, it only bled a little. But, it HURT! It brought tears to my eyes so I did what came naturally…I went to tell J about it. Why? Because if I didn’t show him that I was hurting, he would not know that I needed him to reach out to me.
I want others to know that they are “safe” with me in telling their stuff. It takes courage to step out and say, “Last night was really a bad night because……” or “I can’t seem to stop cutting….” Or “I just don’t feel loveable…” or “I am so sick and tired of…” It’s not all about complaining but it is all about being vulnerable enough so that others can come beside you and embrace, listen, pray and truly be your friend.
I challenge you to take the time to really hear someone’s heart. Reach out to them and listen. Even better, I challenge you to show your stuff to others. Let them see the real you…your insides...without regrets. I believe this will be the beginning of something REAL.
Feel the fear and do it anyway!