It's all a matter of perspective…that is the thought ringing in my head today. I struggle to fight against things going on in my life. The sad fact is that what I'm fighting against is more than likely what was meant in my life all along.
In almost two years of our marriage, I have held on to a longing to make things "the way they used to be". It's taken me this long to realize that "the way things used to be" is basically the past. And truly I'm not for living in the past but in the present. For one, I was much younger, a little less bold, fearful and seeking out perfection most of the time. Now, I'm willing to try new things, i.e, adventures, food and a neverending thirst to be myself.
I have learned to look at my ongoing medical saga as a way to breathe through the pain and keep on pushing and if pushing doesn't work, sit and chill for a bit. I no longer think that I'm going to die. The way I see it, is if it was my time to go, then when I flat-lined last year, I wouldn't have come back to life. So, I dance in the rain, laugh loudly, hug, hug and really hug those that mean a lot to me.
There's no mystery that I miss my daughters but once a month, we get together for an overnight visit…with one of them hosting me. I look forward to spending time sharing, shopping, chatting, eating and just hanging out.
Although I have been inconsistent with writing, I have been given the opportunities to speak which excites me to no end. It is my dream/goal to be able to write and be a speaker, full-time. So, instead of me getting frustrated at my lack of writing, I'm reignited by the ability to speak and share with others.
As I write this, there's another transition happening in my life. J and I will have two adult kids (not necessarily kids) and a teenager living with us, full-time. It has been a huge stress for me. The first thing that came out of my mouth to J was, "I didn't sign up for this!" But, I realized first of all, he didn't sign up for all of the times he's been by my side through the chest pains and tears and other health related issues. I am beginning to breathe through the idea of it all and concentrating on our house being a place where they will eventually all spread their wings and fly. In the meantime, I'm going to do my best to enjoy the comfort of being surrounded by family. (And also pray that they won't harm one another while having to share one bathroom.)
And lastly…I'm getting ready to turn 50 in July. As much as most people may not embrace the idea of getting older, I'm excited about the adventures still to come. My bucket list is growing and I can't wait to experience life in a different set of numbers.
What perspectives have you discovered along the way?