Friday, June 19, 2009

Get out the bandaids and ice packs

I'm hoping and praying I don't get laid off because not only do I need the job but I need the medical benefits. For some reason, at this this point in my life, I'm a walking accident. I can't explain the magnetism but somewhere in the universe, there is a beam of light that says, "hurt me, cut me, bruise me."

How can someone get a bruise the size of Argentina on her thigh because the dog's head ran into it? I heard a crack and don't know whether it was his head or my thigh. If it was his head, it must've hurt.

I'm also the only person that can get a multiple paper cut right across the ulnar (wrist) vein and not die from hemorrhaging.

Or how about the almost death from cheese asphyxiation? I can usually talk and eat at the same time but yesterday, I forgot to chew before I swallowed and inhaled cheese straight to my lungs. I coughed, sputtered and even cleared my throat, but the cheese didn't budge. This morning, I'm wheezing all because of cheese!

Then there's the chunk of skin removed from my finger. How did that happen? I did it to myself! I was cutting the dog's hair. Missed the hair but not my finger!

The other day, I ran over my own foot with the shopping cart! How is that possible???

I jokingly think I need to invest in a helmet but a part of me thinks that maybe I should take it seriously.

But, as history shows, I am who I am. I've got old battle wounds from bike, roller skate, circus wanna be stunts and from playing soccer. I guess I wear it well.

15 comments:

Momma Rae and the Deputy said...

oh my!! I had one year like that!! my 8th grade year :) crazy how things bunch up like this....

Deidra said...

We had a friend who went to Stand Up Comic School. She was a hoot, just like you! I think you should enroll in stand-up comic classes...or teach them!

lagirl said...

I'm thinking perhaps you need a Nanny to watch over you while you wear your helmet.

BTW, does the cheese incident mean you're now a "Cheeze Wheez"? Bad joke. Forgive me!

blueviolet said...

I have the same problem! It's insane. If my kids see me do anything more than walking they scold me.

Julie said...

OK you know what? You win. I thought I had the market cornered on klutzy behavior especially when I almost broke my back bowling, and dislocated my knee sleeping....alone.

I think you're worse than me. Which makes me feel really superior right now in a very unbruised way. LOL!!!!!

MrsSki said...

My name means graceful but I am anything but graceful! I'm so accident prone that webmd is my homepage. And I'm dreading the day we are out of the military and lose our benefits.

The helmet thing could be beneficial...plus you could always bedazzle it to make it even more attractive. Kidding. Just. Kidding.

Tami said...

Goodness Simone! Tell ya what, when I win the lotto, I'll be sending you a check! Meeting you for coffee and I'll be your personal helper LOL

Lin said...

Gees, you are a walking disaster! As for the COBRA--that is EXPENSIVE!

Danica said...

I think we're related!!!!

Hope you're better soon and that you don't lose your job.

Buckeroomama said...

If I actually know how feng shui works and believe in it, I'd ask you to give it a try. :)

Have a good weekend.

Kwana said...

Oh no!. Be careful. I'm the same way. People like us have to take it slow. They like to call be Grace as a joke.

Veronica Lee said...

You're really funny, Simone!! You sound like my son Rodney who has flat feet. He's really accident prone.

BTW, I love the new look of your blog.

travel girl said...

I know what you mean about the size of bruises, I have them too.

The size of Argentina;)

Fragrant Liar said...

I know what you mean. I seem to be messing myself up a lot too. I have bruises that I don't even know where they came from. I'm so used to it, I guess.

Joanna Jenkins said...

Cheese asphyxiation? OMG! That is not good.

Fingers crossed on the job! I'm praying for you.

And, um, be careful out there :-)

 

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