Get out the bandaids and ice packs

I'm hoping and praying I don't get laid off because not only do I need the job but I need the medical benefits. For some reason, at this this point in my life, I'm a walking accident. I can't explain the magnetism but somewhere in the universe, there is a beam of light that says, "hurt me, cut me, bruise me."

How can someone get a bruise the size of Argentina on her thigh because the dog's head ran into it? I heard a crack and don't know whether it was his head or my thigh. If it was his head, it must've hurt.

I'm also the only person that can get a multiple paper cut right across the ulnar (wrist) vein and not die from hemorrhaging.

Or how about the almost death from cheese asphyxiation? I can usually talk and eat at the same time but yesterday, I forgot to chew before I swallowed and inhaled cheese straight to my lungs. I coughed, sputtered and even cleared my throat, but the cheese didn't budge. This morning, I'm wheezing all because of cheese!

Then there's the chunk of skin removed from my finger. How did that happen? I did it to myself! I was cutting the dog's hair. Missed the hair but not my finger!

The other day, I ran over my own foot with the shopping cart! How is that possible???

I jokingly think I need to invest in a helmet but a part of me thinks that maybe I should take it seriously.

But, as history shows, I am who I am. I've got old battle wounds from bike, roller skate, circus wanna be stunts and from playing soccer. I guess I wear it well.