Sunday, March 7, 2010

Beating Myself Up

Have you ever done something unintentional and hurt someone? When my oldest daughter was a baby, I remember getting her out of her car seat and not watching that her head cleared the car and bumped her head hard. I felt bad. She had a knot on her head and of course, she cried.

Last night, I was grooming my puppies. Sam is my million dollar dog because every vet trip spells "MONEY" and lots of it. The last time he went to the groomers at Petsmart, he bit the groomer in her lips and tore off half of her lip. He's not normally a biter but he has only one eye and is more sensitive to sounds and sudden movement. So, I've been grooming Sam myself. I use rounded scissors to cut the hair that tends to grow by his only eye that he sees out of. I cut the hair, dried him off and put him down for him to run around in pure madness until he is air dried. This time, he came running past me with one side of his face, red. I had cut him under his eye and I felt so bad. I kept apologizing to him with tears running down my face. Sam was fine. I got the wound cleaned up and it stopped bleeding. He was back to playing again BUT, I wasn't fine. I had made a mistake that hurt him and I beat myself up over it.

I don't know why I have such a hard time with letting go of things that I can't control, especially when others are hurting from my mistake as well.

I still carry the guilt of having put my daughters through a divorce. Sure, I wasn't unfaithful but I still hate that they had to suffer the emotional upheaval of a broken family. There is nothing I could do to prevent it from happening and I know that, yet, I still beat myself up.

I am learning that instead of beating myself up, listening to that voice say, "Stupid! You made another mistake!", that I have to realize that I'm not the only person that has gone through things that can't be undone. I am one that needs to forgive myself and let it go. Yes, it's easier said than done but I'm visualizing a dandelion flower being ready to blow and scatter the seeds. Those seeds are the things that I'm letting go of. As I blow them, they scatter in the wind. Sure they may fall onto fertile ground where weeds will grow BUT the things I've let go of are no more.

Do you beat yourself up?

22 comments:

Frau said...

I think everyone beats themselves up it's human nature but letting it go is the part that is important. I'm glad Sam is okay and so are you. It's been said we are to grow and learn from our mistakes, I guess that's all you can ask for. Have a wonderful Monday.

Buckeroomama said...

I do beat myself up...but only so much, then I move on. I think it's only natural to beat oneself up when one has made a mistake, especially a mistake that hurt some other person that we love, though. The key is to recognize that nothing could really be gained from continuing to do it... it doesn't help you; it doesn't help the other party either.

ethelmaepotter! said...

Yes, Simone, I'm like you, I beat myself up far too much for far too long. And I've tried self-therapy for this - didn't work.

Once, when Ariel was three, she set up her usual going to bed protests - a drink of water, another bed-time story, etc, etc, etc. Then, when I had made it all the way to the bedroom door, she wanted her Cabbage Patch doll, which was lying right there at my feet. I tossed it to her. I could have walked it over to her, given her another kiss, tucked her in all over again, but no, I had to toss it to her, and yes I was agitated, and...that's when it happened. That Cabbage Patch Kid hit her right in the eye and my three year old daughter walked around for the following week with a black eye, a painful reminder of what a horrid mother I was!

Mari said...

Yes - I do it too, even when I know it was unintentional. I guess that's one good thing - we know we don't do these things on purpose!

Andrea said...

I think we all struggle with this...
Blessings,
andrea

Deborah Ann said...

I have those same awful memories to live with. But I am learning that by dwelling on them, they will never dissipate. So whenever those thoughts come, I immediately say 10 things out loud that I'm thankful for. God designed us in such a way that our spoken words override our thoughts! We must renew our minds. (working on this daily)

blueviolet said...

It's natural to beat ourselves up, but it shows we care. We all do make mistakes but we move past them and learn and grow from them.

((Hugs))

Kwana said...

I do all the time. We are so on the same page here. I planned to write about this later in the week. I spent way too much time living in the past. All it does is hurt.

Ace said...

I tried to groom my poodle myself. Just the once. It will never happen again because I snipped him on his chest. There was literally a flap of his skin hanging there. I could see the layer of muscle underneath. It was AWFUL! I had a bottle of that adhesive bandage and glued him back together. He was fine, but I am scarred for life. Now I do is trim around his eyes....and you just made me afraid to do that. lol

Farila said...

I cannot think clearly at the moment but I know I have beaten myself black and blue over things in my life. May be I was not the reason those things happened but slowly guilt seeps in at times.. troubling us.

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

I do tend to beat myself up. Something I am working on.

Nezzy said...

On a regular basis baby!

God forgive us so why the heck can't we be a little easier on ourselves???

God bless and let's have a 'forgive ourself' day!!!

Danica said...

I think everyone does it from time to time.

I have a couple of things I beat myself up over. One happened 15 years ago...the other 4 years ago. I hate that I can't let go. I want to make it right, but I can't.

Hang in there!

The girl with the flour in her hair said...

Oh, oh, oh do I beat myself up. To the point where I physically have to shake my head to make myself STOP. I completely understand where you're coming from. I'm not very good at letting go either. Working on it... :)

Suz said...

We all,as women, have this tendency. We need to me nicer to ourselves and vut ourselves a little slack. We would do it for someone else, wouldn't we?

It's ahrd being an imperfect human being but God loves us just the way we are, and we should, too.

Sweet Tea said...

I try not to beat up on anyone, myself included. Don't mean to be "preachy", but, in the Bible satan is often referred to "as the Accuser", so now that I understand where it comes from it's easier to forgive myself (and others) and move on. Sermon over.

Your sweet poochie understands it was an accident. They are good discerners of intent...Divorce was unavoidable in your situation; you're not responsible for it and certainly if DOGS can understand intent, then children can. ((HUGS))

Mandy's Life After 30 said...

I am my own worst critic and my own worse punisher. Like you said, there comes a point where you just have to let go and forgive. You can't change the mistake or the past.... just work hard to make it up to those you may have hurt in the future. Best wishes and hugs to you to feel better! Sam too.

Twin-Spiration said...

I totally agree with sweet tea...I too believe that the little voice in your head that allows you to beat yourself up is the enemy and you are the only one that can silence him!
We have all beaten ourselves up but I am a firm believer that if we don't forgive ourselves no one else will either. Remember God created us and we are not perfect. We make mistakes, have accidents, and hopefully learn from it. Don't be a prisoner of yourself...you owe it to yourself to give it to God. Everything happens for a reason and we are only in control of what we chose to do, chose not to do or how we react to what happens to us. That's all we can control...so knowing that, don't beat yourself up. Life is too short. Repent and give it to God.
God bless you friend!
www.twin-spiration.com

Ina in Alaska said...

Yes, I do beat myself up! I am guilty of feeling guilty about anything! Glad Sam is ok!! Double glad no lawsuit will ensue from the injury at Petsmart!

Joanna Jenkins said...

Oh yes, and way to often, but that seems to be my nature.

I like your visualization of blowing a dandelion flower to help you let things go. It's hard to do, but I hope it helps.

Hope your week is good.
xo

Elle Bee said...

Yes I do beat myself up! I need to learn the same lessons--to be kinder to myself and realize that God isn't finished with any of us yet. :o)

Veronica Lee said...

It's just human nature. I think it's much better than finding a scapegoat for our own mistakes.

 

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