Have you ever done something unintentional and hurt someone? When my oldest daughter was a baby, I remember getting her out of her car seat and not watching that her head cleared the car and bumped her head hard. I felt bad. She had a knot on her head and of course, she cried.
Last night, I was grooming my puppies. Sam is my million dollar dog because every vet trip spells "MONEY" and lots of it. The last time he went to the groomers at Petsmart, he bit the groomer in her lips and tore off half of her lip. He's not normally a biter but he has only one eye and is more sensitive to sounds and sudden movement. So, I've been grooming Sam myself. I use rounded scissors to cut the hair that tends to grow by his only eye that he sees out of. I cut the hair, dried him off and put him down for him to run around in pure madness until he is air dried. This time, he came running past me with one side of his face, red. I had cut him under his eye and I felt so bad. I kept apologizing to him with tears running down my face. Sam was fine. I got the wound cleaned up and it stopped bleeding. He was back to playing again BUT, I wasn't fine. I had made a mistake that hurt him and I beat myself up over it.
I don't know why I have such a hard time with letting go of things that I can't control, especially when others are hurting from my mistake as well.
I still carry the guilt of having put my daughters through a divorce. Sure, I wasn't unfaithful but I still hate that they had to suffer the emotional upheaval of a broken family. There is nothing I could do to prevent it from happening and I know that, yet, I still beat myself up.
I am learning that instead of beating myself up, listening to that voice say, "Stupid! You made another mistake!", that I have to realize that I'm not the only person that has gone through things that can't be undone. I am one that needs to forgive myself and let it go. Yes, it's easier said than done but I'm visualizing a dandelion flower being ready to blow and scatter the seeds. Those seeds are the things that I'm letting go of. As I blow them, they scatter in the wind. Sure they may fall onto fertile ground where weeds will grow BUT the things I've let go of are no more.
Do you beat yourself up?
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