Thursday, August 12, 2010

I Was Sleepless in California

If I had been told three years ago that once again, my world would be turned upside down, I probably wouldn't have believed it. I longed for stability and honestly, boring. I wanted nothing more than to find my happily ever after story and live it out until the day I died. That's not what happened.

The first mistake was when I fell head over heels in love. I forgot how to be afraid to love and fell head first. I pushed away the nuances between us. My deal breaker list was thrown out the door. In plain simple words, I settled for what became familiar. Familiar wasn't comfortable to me at all. In fact, it went against many of my own "must haves" or "must not haves".

I discovered that I was going through this thing called life, holding my breath. I feared saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing and even being myself. I saw him angry. I was afraid. I heard hatred in his voice and little by little, I began to feel the courage to leap. I prayed for a sign. I hoped that I would see the sign as if it were a neon light blinking for my attention and mine alone.

That courage came when Single Boo said to me, "Let's move to Oregon". Random maybe...insane maybe...courageous maybe. Whatever it was, for some reason it felt right and right was confirmed when her and I went to visit for the first time. The two of us ventured out, looking for THE sign that this was home for us. We didn't find the sign, we both FELT the sign. I gave up a lot. I threw away things that held memories of the past. I donated valuable things that to me, were no longer significant. I just wanted to breathe again. To find the strength to smile again and really feel the smile radiating from the inside out.

Within two weeks, we had found a place that our hearts both longed for. We were willing to leave it all behind to start all over again.

I hugged him, knowing that it was more than likely the last time I'd feel his arms around me. I felt peace.

Some may view my leap as pure stupidity. I call it courage. I call it creative courage. I believe that when I landed, He was there to catch me. Here I am in this place I call home - Oregon.

25 comments:

Veronica Lee said...

Home is where the heart is, Simone!!

May Oregon bring you lots of wondrous things!!

BTW - I missed you!!

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

thanks so much....this is a kid that was practicing football on Monday...someone just emailed me that the doctor just came by and told the parents HE did not expect him to live through the night... He has 3 little brothers & an amazing mom & dad that KNOW GOD & KNOW that God is in the HEALING BUSINESS.

Mandy's Life After 30 said...

I'm glad you felt the sign and feel at peace again. Walking/living on egg shells is not place to be long term.

You don't need to "see" a sign anyway. Not unless it is "Free drinks and peanuts through this door" OR "Good friends and books waiting for you inside along with coffee and chocolate." Until then, make your own damn signs and post them all over your new home and hometown. You are the creative designer of your destiny. Make it a good one!

And p.s. - I would have paid you for a painting! I know someone will love it when they see it in that store!

Brian Miller said...

i am glad you found the courage to find home...smiles.

Lin said...

Oh, you know this is the right move. You've known you had to leave for a long time, right? You may not have said it, but you knew it.

I wish you peace, Simone. Peace and confidence in your heart (and mind) that you are doing what is right for YOU. I admire your courage because you did what most women dream of doing--walking away from something that isn't good. You are an inspiration, my friend!

Mari said...

Beautiful post. I call what you did courage.
You've done the right thing, hard as it was and now I'm praying for new joy in your life!

Ina in Alaska said...

So much said and much more unsaid in this post. Well done, Simone, you took a huge leap of faith. I am so very sorry you had to let go of "things" that were of sentimental value to you. I saw some of that happen when my dear Joan moved to California. She was so frail. Her son George threw out lots of her pretty things without a care in the world. I pulled a few things out of his truck and kept them for myself, things that had looked so pretty in her house. I proudly have one or two of her things that George was going to take to the landfill.

Simone, you are getting stronger, I can sense it. But all along in your many posts when you lived in CA I sensed there was something amiss in your relationship with ex-Boo. Had to say it. But you did your best and always with a smile and hope. Sending hugs and love to you and Single Boo. xoxoxo

Deidra said...

I'm smiling here as I read this. You are strong. Know that. And it's all good.

When I heard your voice on the phone the other day, I knew that you had found your footing. It was good to hear...all the way from Oregon to Michigan (we were on vacation).

I'm your cheerleader, jumping up and down on the sidelines with sparkles in my hair. "You're doing it! You're doing it! Peace to you!"

mrstdj said...

Amazing! I'm glad that you had the courage to see and feel the signs. I wish you and Single Boo nothing but the best in Oregon. Enjoy the new adventure!

Just Breathe said...

How I have dreamed of having that kind of courage. You go girl! Welcome Home. May God Bless you.

ethelmaepotter! said...

If I were the Wizard of Oz, I'd pin a medal on you. "Read what my medal says: Courage. Ain't it the truth? Ain't it the truth?"

Yes, it IS the truth. It takes a special kind of courage to leave everything that your mind has told you is right and good, and to go looking for your heart. I'm thrilled for you that you found it in Oregon; what a gorgeous place it found to hide!

Nezzy said...

I am proud of you for takin' that leap. It took a heap of courage and strength from within. I pray you have found the peace you need. ...and honey don't use that 'S' word. It was a courageous move.

God bless ya and enjoy your new surroundings and the love of God! :o)

Syrone said...

I won't get all sappy but this expresses it better than I ever could...
It must have been cold there in my shadow,
to never have sunlight on your face.
You were content to let me shine, that's your way.
You always walked a step behind.

So I was the one with all the glory,
while you were the one with all the strength.
A beautiful face without a name for so long.
A beautiful smile to hide the pain.

Did you ever know that you're my hero,
and everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

It might have appeared to go unnoticed,
but I've got it all here in my heart.
I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it.
I would be nothing without you.

Did you ever know that you're my hero?
You're everything I wish I could be.
I could fly higher than an eagle,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

YOU are my hero! I miss you tons, but it's not 'goodbye', just, 'see you later'.

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

You all are going to make me boo hoo! Thanks a lot Syrone for posting "our song". It totally has my eyes filling up with tears. I didn't do anything that none of you wouldn't have done either. There is more to the story but I will suffice it to say that what matters now is that I'm breathing again.

Anonymous said...

Всем привет!

Недавно перед мной встала задача, куда деть накопишиеся [b]европоддоны[/b], или еще их называют [b]Паллеты[/b],
[b]Поддоны[/b], [b]Европаллет[/b]ы Размеры 800*1200, 1000*1200- Это [u]Тара Пром назначения[/u].
Немного предистории.
Сам я работаю кладовщиком на складе. Нам приходит много продукции на [b]Европоддонах[/b],
товар продаем а поддоны остаются, у нас возник вопрос куда их девать.
Раньше мы их сжигали.
Потом мне подсказали, что за поддоны можно получить деньги.
Начал обзванивать фирмы везде были цены низкие,
потом друзья мне подсказали, что в Челябинске есть такая Контора "[b]Уралсклад[/b]",
около 10 лет на Рынке Промышленной Тары с хорошей репутацией.
Я нашел их сайт в интернет - [url=http://www.uralsklad.ru]www.uralsklad.ru[/url] и позвонил по тел. +7(351) 233-07-14.
Буквально через час подъехал их представитель, Авто с Логотипом "[url=http://www.uralsklad.ru]Поддоны Челябинск[/url]".
Цены закупочные оказались самые высокие в г. Челябинске.
Все цивилизовано грузчики загрузили [b]Паллеты[/b] ешё и лом поддонов купили, расчитались на месте наличными.
Про другие фирмы я узнавал либо Цены низкие, либо Бракуют много, да и денег от них не дождешься.

Так что если у вас завалялись [b]европоддоны[/b], не торопитесь их выбрасывать, лучше обменяйте их на деньги.

blueviolet said...

Wow, I didn't expect this move, but you wouldn't have gone unless you felt it was right! Good luck in your new home!

A LADY & HER LAPTOP said...

I am so excited for you! I know you are in for the time of your life!

Kwana said...

Wow your courage amazes me and makes me so proud. You are a true inspiration. You make me want to see Oregon but more than that the message is of PEACE of heart and mind.

Christian Mommy Writer said...

Wow, sometimes it just happens like that, doesn't it? :-)

Glad it's working out for you and that you have peace about it. That's the most important thing.

Joanna Jenkins said...

I take my hat off to you SImone! There is no doubt you thought long and hard about this and I'm glad you feel the relief, freedom and security to breathe again. That's priceless.

Keep up the good work and know I'm cheering you on.
xo jj

Anita said...

Yes, I'm sure there is a lot to tell. Whatever you decide to share, I hope it will help in purging and adjusting.

I'm really excited for you and Single Boo! Hang in there as you run into hurdles. It'll all level out.

New friends, new environment...why not. :)

Twice as Nice said...

Thanks for visiting our blog. I found your video of Rehna and wanted to post about it too. Hope you don't mind. What an angel she is.

MissKris said...

Welcome Home!

Graceful said...

You are breathing again! I admire your courage, Simone. It takes a lot of guts to make the kind of leap you just did. Peace to you in these first days of your new home.

Buckeroomama said...

I`m sorry for the things that have happened that led to this, but I am so happy that you took the leap and have found `home.` :)

 

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