If I had been told three years ago that once again, my world would be turned upside down, I probably wouldn't have believed it. I longed for stability and honestly, boring. I wanted nothing more than to find my happily ever after story and live it out until the day I died. That's not what happened.
The first mistake was when I fell head over heels in love. I forgot how to be afraid to love and fell head first. I pushed away the nuances between us. My deal breaker list was thrown out the door. In plain simple words, I settled for what became familiar. Familiar wasn't comfortable to me at all. In fact, it went against many of my own "must haves" or "must not haves".
I discovered that I was going through this thing called life, holding my breath. I feared saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing and even being myself. I saw him angry. I was afraid. I heard hatred in his voice and little by little, I began to feel the courage to leap. I prayed for a sign. I hoped that I would see the sign as if it were a neon light blinking for my attention and mine alone.
That courage came when Single Boo said to me, "Let's move to Oregon". Random maybe...insane maybe...courageous maybe. Whatever it was, for some reason it felt right and right was confirmed when her and I went to visit for the first time. The two of us ventured out, looking for THE sign that this was home for us. We didn't find the sign, we both FELT the sign. I gave up a lot. I threw away things that held memories of the past. I donated valuable things that to me, were no longer significant. I just wanted to breathe again. To find the strength to smile again and really feel the smile radiating from the inside out.
Within two weeks, we had found a place that our hearts both longed for. We were willing to leave it all behind to start all over again.
I hugged him, knowing that it was more than likely the last time I'd feel his arms around me. I felt peace.
Some may view my leap as pure stupidity. I call it courage. I call it creative courage. I believe that when I landed, He was there to catch me. Here I am in this place I call home - Oregon.
m o n d a y
1 hour ago