I Was Sleepless in California
If I had been told three years ago that once again, my world would be turned upside down, I probably wouldn't have believed it. I longed for stability and honestly, boring. I wanted nothing more than to find my happily ever after story and live it out until the day I died. That's not what happened.
The first mistake was when I fell head over heels in love. I forgot how to be afraid to love and fell head first. I pushed away the nuances between us. My deal breaker list was thrown out the door. In plain simple words, I settled for what became familiar. Familiar wasn't comfortable to me at all. In fact, it went against many of my own "must haves" or "must not haves".
I discovered that I was going through this thing called life, holding my breath. I feared saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing and even being myself. I saw him angry. I was afraid. I heard hatred in his voice and little by little, I began to feel the courage to leap. I prayed for a sign. I hoped that I would see the sign as if it were a neon light blinking for my attention and mine alone.
That courage came when Single Boo said to me, "Let's move to Oregon". Random maybe...insane maybe...courageous maybe. Whatever it was, for some reason it felt right and right was confirmed when her and I went to visit for the first time. The two of us ventured out, looking for THE sign that this was home for us. We didn't find the sign, we both FELT the sign. I gave up a lot. I threw away things that held memories of the past. I donated valuable things that to me, were no longer significant. I just wanted to breathe again. To find the strength to smile again and really feel the smile radiating from the inside out.
Within two weeks, we had found a place that our hearts both longed for. We were willing to leave it all behind to start all over again.
I hugged him, knowing that it was more than likely the last time I'd feel his arms around me. I felt peace.
Some may view my leap as pure stupidity. I call it courage. I call it creative courage. I believe that when I landed, He was there to catch me. Here I am in this place I call home - Oregon.
The first mistake was when I fell head over heels in love. I forgot how to be afraid to love and fell head first. I pushed away the nuances between us. My deal breaker list was thrown out the door. In plain simple words, I settled for what became familiar. Familiar wasn't comfortable to me at all. In fact, it went against many of my own "must haves" or "must not haves".
I discovered that I was going through this thing called life, holding my breath. I feared saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing and even being myself. I saw him angry. I was afraid. I heard hatred in his voice and little by little, I began to feel the courage to leap. I prayed for a sign. I hoped that I would see the sign as if it were a neon light blinking for my attention and mine alone.
That courage came when Single Boo said to me, "Let's move to Oregon". Random maybe...insane maybe...courageous maybe. Whatever it was, for some reason it felt right and right was confirmed when her and I went to visit for the first time. The two of us ventured out, looking for THE sign that this was home for us. We didn't find the sign, we both FELT the sign. I gave up a lot. I threw away things that held memories of the past. I donated valuable things that to me, were no longer significant. I just wanted to breathe again. To find the strength to smile again and really feel the smile radiating from the inside out.
Within two weeks, we had found a place that our hearts both longed for. We were willing to leave it all behind to start all over again.
I hugged him, knowing that it was more than likely the last time I'd feel his arms around me. I felt peace.
Some may view my leap as pure stupidity. I call it courage. I call it creative courage. I believe that when I landed, He was there to catch me. Here I am in this place I call home - Oregon.
Comments
May Oregon bring you lots of wondrous things!!
BTW - I missed you!!
You don't need to "see" a sign anyway. Not unless it is "Free drinks and peanuts through this door" OR "Good friends and books waiting for you inside along with coffee and chocolate." Until then, make your own damn signs and post them all over your new home and hometown. You are the creative designer of your destiny. Make it a good one!
And p.s. - I would have paid you for a painting! I know someone will love it when they see it in that store!
I wish you peace, Simone. Peace and confidence in your heart (and mind) that you are doing what is right for YOU. I admire your courage because you did what most women dream of doing--walking away from something that isn't good. You are an inspiration, my friend!
You've done the right thing, hard as it was and now I'm praying for new joy in your life!
Simone, you are getting stronger, I can sense it. But all along in your many posts when you lived in CA I sensed there was something amiss in your relationship with ex-Boo. Had to say it. But you did your best and always with a smile and hope. Sending hugs and love to you and Single Boo. xoxoxo
When I heard your voice on the phone the other day, I knew that you had found your footing. It was good to hear...all the way from Oregon to Michigan (we were on vacation).
I'm your cheerleader, jumping up and down on the sidelines with sparkles in my hair. "You're doing it! You're doing it! Peace to you!"
Yes, it IS the truth. It takes a special kind of courage to leave everything that your mind has told you is right and good, and to go looking for your heart. I'm thrilled for you that you found it in Oregon; what a gorgeous place it found to hide!
God bless ya and enjoy your new surroundings and the love of God! :o)
It must have been cold there in my shadow,
to never have sunlight on your face.
You were content to let me shine, that's your way.
You always walked a step behind.
So I was the one with all the glory,
while you were the one with all the strength.
A beautiful face without a name for so long.
A beautiful smile to hide the pain.
Did you ever know that you're my hero,
and everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.
It might have appeared to go unnoticed,
but I've got it all here in my heart.
I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it.
I would be nothing without you.
Did you ever know that you're my hero?
You're everything I wish I could be.
I could fly higher than an eagle,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.
YOU are my hero! I miss you tons, but it's not 'goodbye', just, 'see you later'.
Glad it's working out for you and that you have peace about it. That's the most important thing.
Keep up the good work and know I'm cheering you on.
xo jj
I'm really excited for you and Single Boo! Hang in there as you run into hurdles. It'll all level out.
New friends, new environment...why not. :)